Dalton Chiscolm is upset at Bank of America because he says he got inconsistent information from a Spanish employee and that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers. So he did what any irate customer would do—he sued the bank for “1,784 billion, trillion dollars.” To put that in perspective, it’s 1 followed by 22 digits, more than the 2008 gross domestic product of the entire world, and even greater than the number of Late Show employees David Letterman’s had sex with.

For years people have debated whether the Shroud of Turin is really the cloth Jesus Christ was buried in or just a medieval fake. Now an Italian scientist says he can turn out one a week. Luigi Garlaschelli wrapped a specially woven cloth around one of his students, painted it with pigment, then baked it in the oven for a few hours and washed it. Voila! Instant Shroud. Although he’s presenting his findings at a conference of the Italian Committee for the Investigation of Claims on the Paranormal this Saturday, the Create-a-Shroud kit won’t be ready on time for holiday gift giving this year, though you’ll still be able to give a Chia-sus Pet that grows long green hair and a beard.

The new Nieman Marcus Christmas catalog is out and even they realize we’re in a recession. “Tokens of affection don’t have to be extravagant,” they say in the catalog’s introduction, proven by the fact that more than 40% of the gifts listed cost less than $250. Thanks goodness! Of course there’s still a limited-edition Jaguar for $105,000, a $73,000 motorcycle, and an environmentally-friendly chandelier made from 366 plastic bottles pulled from a landfill for only $12,000. As Kermit would sing today: It’s not easy being green; neither is it cheap.

Egyptian lawmakers are calling for a ban on the importation of a Japanese-made kit that helps a woman fool her new husband into thinking she’s a virgin. The Artificial Virginity Hymen from Gigimo costs $29 and expands to make you feel tight, then at the appropriate moment oozes a liquid that “look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable” explains the company’s website. Since what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, they’ll soon be releasing a book for men called “How to Act Like You Have No Idea What You’re Doing While Hiding your Untreated Chancres.”

When Kraft decided to put out a new, milder version of Vegemite in Australia by combining it with cream cheese, they thought they chose the perfect name from the 48,000 suggestions they’d received: iSnack 2.0. Not surprisingly, customers hated it, which was probably the idea. Not to mention that Men at Work’s update of their song would sound silly as “He just smiled and gave me an iSnack 2.0 sandwich.” So now Australians can vote online for their second favorite name, choosing from Vegemite Cheesybite, Creamymate, Smooth, Snackmate, Vegemate and Vegemild. Either way, it’s still mostly yeast extract and cream cheese. Yum!

Over 138 people in the film industry have signed a petition protesting the arrest of Roman Polanski for skipping the country after his 1977 arrest for having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Among those signing the petition were Martin Scorsese, Pedro Almodovar, and Woody Allen. If the judge questions Allen’s veracity, he can always ask his wife and adopted daughter Soon-Yi.

Since 1979 the Wisconsin Tourism Federation has gone by its initials, but recently they figured out that WTF has taken on a new meaning, and it’s not one that inspires people to visit the Cheese State. So they changed their name. They’re now officially the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin (TFW) which is much better. Well, except if you’re dyslexic. They must be glad they didn’t use the old initials on their license plates: “Wisconsin – WTF!”

A British store is launching a line of underpants for left-handed men which it says will save them time as well as the embarrassment of having to fumble around at the urinal. You can imagine how traumatic that must be. The underpants will have a horizontal opening instead of the traditional vertical one. Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store says that it “may sound like a small step, but it’s the major breakthrough that many have been waiting for.” They’re hoping to follow this groundbreaking item soon with socks that match themselves, a T-shirt that fits with either side at the front, and pants that cure cancer.

In her new tell-all memoir, actress Mackenzie Phillips, best known as Julie Cooper on One Day at a Time, says she had sex with her father, Mamas and the Papas founder John Phillips, beginning the night before her wedding. She also says her father shot her up with drugs, she had sex with Mick Jagger, and she still holds a grudge against Valerie Bertinelli for not only being cuter, but for marrying a hot, famous lead guitar player while she got stuck with Jeff Sessler, a “member of the Rolling Stones entourage.”

Two MIT students who were working on a term project for an ethics and law class managed to create a Gaydar machine. Carter Jernigan and Behram Mistree had their computer statistically analyze the friend links of declared homosexuals on Facebook, then asked the computer to predict whether other people on Facebook were gay or straight. It turned out to be pretty accurate for men but not as good at ferreting out bisexuals or lesbians. While there are no immediate plans to market the Gaydar XT2000 anytime soon, Jernigan and Mistree hope to publish their findings. Hopefully without naming names. And don’t worry, one drunken status update doesn’t make you gay.

Cathy Maples of Huntsville, Alabama, won a charity auction on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. Her winning bid? $63,500. Plus travel expenses to meet Palin. Democrats are considering auctioning off opportunities to not have dinner with Palin. They figure there are an awful lot of people who would pay dearly to avoid that.

A British shirt company has released the Commuter Tie, a silk tie with a small pocket on the back for your iPod and fabric loops to keep earbud wires hidden. Unfortunately it’s not available as a download, you need to go to a Thomas Pink store to buy one. It’s designed for the iPod nano, so if you own a larger size iPod you’d best hope wide ties come back into fashion soon.

In an interview with NBC News, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he doesn’t “see any problems” with his disputed re-election, in spite of his opponent insisting the government faked the balloting and thousands of protesters filling the streets for days. After all, he explained, voter registration and poll housing questions were handled by ACORN, Jimmy Carter handled any racial challenges, and all ballots for Ahmadinejad that exceeded the number of registered voters in the country were recycled to Afghanistan where his name was crossed out and replaced with Hamid Karzai’s.

A researcher at the University of Stirling in Scotland says her testing shows that Facebook makes you smarter while Twitter makes you dumber. To be more exact, Dr. Tracy Alloway found that Facebook, video war games, and solving Sudoku all enhance your “working memory”—the ability to remember and use information—while Twitter, text messaging, and watching YouTube weaken it. To make it easy to figure out what these activities are doing to you, complete the following assessment:

A. Facebook, Video War Games, Sudoku
5 pts for each hour per week = __________

B. Twitter, Text Messaging, YouTube
5 pts for each hour per week = __________

SUBTRACT (B) from (A) = ___________

If the result is a positive number, your leisure and social networking habits are making you smarter. If they’re negative, you’re getting dumber. Adjust your time appropriately. If you have an exam coming up but need more help then consider doing tutoring.

According to a tweet she sent last night, Jessica Simpson is offering a reward for her dog, a 5-year-old maltipoo, which she says was snatched by a coyote right in front of her eyes. Reportedly the coyote either felt there should be no such thing as a maltipoo, had an identity crisis and thought it was actually a dingo, or mistook the animal for Kanye West.

An IT company in South Africa wanted to test the download speed of their Internet connection with Telkom, the country’s leading ISP. Instead of using an online broadband speed test, they took a homing pigeon, strapped a 4-GB data card to its leg, and sent it off to fly the 50 miles to Durban. The bird made it in one hour and eight minutes. Total time including unstrapping the card and downloading the information to a computer was two hours, six minutes. During that same time they’d only managed to download 4% of the data using their Internet connection. The next time you’re ordering broadband, think squab.

There are things a father should pass down to his children, like good moral values, a love of learning, and how to spit a cricket properly. That’s why it’s heartening to learn that after Brian Johnsrud won the cricket spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair on Saturday by expelling a thawed cricket 22 feet, 8 inches, his son Jared won the 9-to-11 year-old division with a 10-foot, 5-inch cricket spit. Mom has to be proud.

The Texas State Fair is about more than animals, crafts, and midway rides. It’s also about fried food. So much so that each year they hold a contest to find the best new deep-fried delight. Abel Gonzales Jr., of Dallas has won in past years with his recipes for Fried Cookie Dough, Fried Peanut Butter, Jelly and Banana Sandwich, and Fried Coke. Yes, Fried Coke. His newest recipe won the trophy for Most Creative. It’s Fried Butter. That’s right, he whips up some butter, dips it in batter, then fries it. It’s available in plain butter, garlic, grape, and cherry flavors. Next year….Deep-Fried Crisco!

In the mood for a KitKat but feeling like you need something healthier? Head to Japan where Nestle and juicemaker Ito En have joined up to create KitKat Enhancement Vegetables. It’s apple-carrot paste sandwiched between crispy wafers and covered in white chocolate. Wow, does it get any better than this? Maybe, since in Japan there are at least 81 types of KitKats, including Green Tea with milk, Yubari Melon, and grilled corn. What, no Peanut Butter Tuna?

Yukio Hatoyama, who will become Japan’s prime minister later this month, is nicknamed “the alien” because of his prominent eyes. So it’s no wonder he married the woman he did. Miyuki Hatoyama claims her soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus, which was “a very beautiful place and it was really green.” She also says she met Tom Cruise in a previous life in Japan, eats the sun because “It gives me enormous energy,” and has been known to channel Nancy Reagan, Shirley McLaine, and Zuul the Gatekeeper, but only at parties after too much sake.