Five Reasons Why Tom Cruise Should Start Believing In The “Pseudo Science” of Psychiatry

1. The Oprah Winfrey Show – May 23, 2005

2. Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes

3. He thinks aliens exist, and not just because he belongs to a religion founded by a science fiction writer.

4. He still wears the same Ray-Bans he wore in Risky Business 22 years ago.

5. So far 7,449 people have signed an online petition advocating a boycott of War of the Worlds because of the “potentially dangerous antics of this raving narcissist.” Can that many people be wrong?

In June, three abstract paintings by Congo the chimpanzee were sold at auction by Bonhams in London for more than $25,000. Paintings by slackers Renoir and Andy Warhol didn’t sell. Now, fueled by visions of easy money, speculators have been calling the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna to offer big chunks of cash for Nonja the orangutan’s paintings. As they say, if you have enough monkeys throwing paint on enough canvases, eventually one will create a Jackson Pollack without having to drink all that liquor in the process.

On Friday, Paul Winchell, ventriloquist and the voice of Tigger in the Winnie-the-Pooh cartoons, died. On Saturday, John Fiedler, the voice of Piglet died. Jim Cummings, the current voice of Pooh, is in hiding with doctors and bodyguards at his side.

You’d think that with John Ashcroft gone from the Justice Department all the boobs would be out. Well, two are back. The blue curtains which Ashcroft had installed over the statue Spirit of Justice, with her one breast exposed, and the bare-chested male Majesty of Law, are gone. The unveiling ceremony featured chicken wings from Hooters and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales wearing a tight White Hooters tank top and cute orange shorts.

The reigning Miss World, Maria Julia Mantilla of Peru, is thinking about suing a plastic surgeon who claims he gave her butt implants and trimmed her ears. “He said he had built me, that he gave me buttock implants and fixed my ears and this is false — I’m not the creation of a surgeon, he just did my bust and my nose,” the 20-year-old said. Oh, that’s different. She can take solace in knowing that she now qualifies to enter the Miss Artificial Beauty Contest next year if she likes.

The American Film Institute released its list of the top 100 movie quotes from U.S. movies, and not surprisingly the list was headed up by “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse,” and “I coulda been a contender.” At the bottom was such notable lines as “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” from Dirty Dancing and “Snap out of it!” from Moonstruck. Uh, yeah right. Prominently missing is the quote that should have been in the top five, but apparently the American Film Institute doesn’t understand the philosophy espoused by Miles in Risky Business when he said, “Sometimes you just gotta say ‘What the fuck.'”

The Korea Baseball Organization has banned players from putting frozen cabbage leaves under their baseball caps to keep cool. They say cabbage leaves are a distraction and aren’t part of the regulation baseball uniform, in spite of kimchi being the country’s national food. The burgeoning problem came to light last weekend when Doosan Bears pitcher Park Myung-hwan’s cap fell off during a game twice and each time a cabbage leaf fluttered to the ground. When asked for a comment, Roger Clemens scoffed at the idea, then put 17 packages of Birdseye frozen Brussels sprouts in his shopping cart and hurried to the checkout line.

The new European Food Safety Authority was inaugurated in Parma, Italy yesterday. At the ceremony, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi reminded everyone that the country beat out Finland for the honor of hosting the organization. He insulted the cuisine of the losing country, saying, “I’ve been to Finland and I had to endure the Finnish diet so I am in a position to make a comparison.” Finnish people all over the country looked up from their plates of taytetty hauki to object, noting the rapid world-wide expansion of such Finnish restaurant chains as Kaalikaaryleet King, Graavilohi Bell, and Rudolph’s Reindeer Burgers.

In an interview in the July issue of GQ magazine, three American soldiers who guarded Saddam Hussein say Raisin Bran Crunch is his favorite breakfast cereal, he refuses to eat Froot Loops, and he loves Cheetos. At least he used to. When they ran out of the cheese puffs one day they gave him a bag of Doritos. Saddam promptly abandoned Cheetos and had a new favorite. “He’d eat a family size bag of Doritos in 10 minutes,” Spc. Jesse Dawson says. Frito-Lay is readying a new ad campaign featuring the deposed dictator saying, “You can take my country, but please don’t take my Doritos.”

To make sure prospective home buyers in rural Lebanon County, PA know what they’re getting themselves into, a new county brochure warns that “Farming sometimes means…fertilizer, pesticides and manure.” Just to make sure people get the message, there’s a scratch-n-sniff in the brochure. One that smells like manure when you scratch it. The brochure was manufactured by Print-A-Scent, which also offers fish smell for those who might want to move near the ocean, Mexican food smell for those considering a house near a Taco Belle, and ash tray smell for those thinking about moving to New Jersey.

“Chris Martin and the Dalai Lama walked into a chocolate shop…” might sound like the beginning of a joke, but it turns out the two men have more in common than just public adulation, even if the Coldplay lead singer’s comes from 14-year-old girls while the religious leader is stuck with Richard Gere. It turns out they both like chocolate. A new book by a friend of the Dalai Lama, The Wisdom of Forgiveness: Intimate Conversations and Journeys, says the living god secretly eats chocolate chip cookies in the evening when most Buddhists are supposed to be fasting. Meanwhile, in Rolling Stone, Martin says, “Personally, weed really does nothing for me. Y’know, chocolate does things for me that it doesn’t do for anyone else.”

“Thanks for calling the Prince Edward Island Suicide Hotline. No one is here to talk to you, but if you’d like to leave a message we’ll get back to you in the morning and see if you’re still alive.”

In order to save money, Prince Edward Island, a small province on Canada’s East Coast, has cut back its 24-hour suicide hotline. Starting June 1st, if you’re in the area and want to be talked out of killing yourself you’d better schedule it between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday.

“Press 1 for sympathy. Press 2 for empathy. Press 3 for apathy. If you still need help, please stay on the line and wait for daylight.”

According to a poll published in the current issue of Children’s Magazine, 38 percent of French men questioned say they wish they could be pregnant instead of their wives. Twenty-seven percent think morning sickness would be fun, 19 percent would like to have the baby with Gerard Depardieu, and all of them think that by saying they’d like to be pregnant instead of their wives they’ll get more sex.

It proves once again that the American judicial system favors wealthy white people. Had Jackson been black, there’s little question he would have been found guilty.

Two Houston women are suing the Congregation Beth Israel mausoleum because they found a can of Pringles sour-cream-and-onion potato chips behind the door of a niche where a cedar chest containing their mother’s ashes was supposed to be. Hey, at least they’re kosher.

In late April customs agents let Gregory Allan Despres [actual photo on the left] cross the border from Canada into Maine in spite of the fact that he was carrying a chainsaw that appeared to be splattered with blood, a homemade sword, a hatchet, brass knuckles and pepper spray. Oh yeah, officials say he “appeared to have psychological problems” and claimed he worked for the president. Oddly, the next day Canadian police discovered that two of Despres’ neighbors had been murdered, one of them having been decapitated and his head stuffed in a pillow case. They put out a warrant for Despres’ arrest. Forget the bloody chainsaw. Forget the sword and hatchet. Look at the guy’s photo. Customs agents let this man into the country?

Scientists say we’re acting younger than our parents did at the same age. This explains why the population is aging, yet people seem younger. Warren Sanderson, of the University of New York in Stony Brook, explains that if you measure age by how long you still have to live rather than how many years you’re lived so far, “The average person can get younger in the sense that he or she can have even more years to live as time goes on.” Got that? Good. From now, on instead of saying you’re 20 years old you’ll say you’re “59 years to go.” Where before you didn’t trust anyone over 30, you can now figure they’re okay, but people over 40 aren’t trustworthy. You’ll be considered a teenager if you’re between 8 and 14, middle age will be shifted to three-quarters age, and in order to be elderly you’ll have to be dead.

A group in Hong Kong is holding a laughing contest in July because they say too many people are getting depressed and need to lighten up. Contestants will be judged on how long they laugh and the quality of their laughter, defined as whether it’s infectious and genuine. Points will be deducted if they laugh at Carrot Top, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, Family Circus cartoons, or the new Honeymooners remake. They gain points for laughing at The Daily Show, Da Ali G Show, and the new Gwen Stefani CD. The long-awaited biathlon was cancelled because religious groups thought it promoted homosexuality.

Molly Ringwald says she’s seriously discussing making a sequel to her 1984 movie, Sixteen Candles. She dropped the bombshell at the only decent gig she’s had in years, the cast reunion of The Breakfast Club at Saturday’s MTV Movie Awards. Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy and Paul Gleason showed up. Oddly, Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez, the two co-stars who are still working regularly, didn’t. There’s no word about the proposed plot, but it will probably be about how a solar flare interferes with electronics around the world so her family’s PDAs, smartphones, online reminder services, and Outlook calendars stop working and they forget her birthday again.

What do you do when all the good baby names are taken? You know, like Apple, Moon Unit, Phinnaeus, Rumer, and Scout. If you’re Penn Jillette, the talking half of the magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller, you name your daughter Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. I’m sure Moxie will think it’s as funny when she’s 16 as dad thinks it is now.