Carl Robin Geary beat incumbent Barbara Brock in the recent mayoral election in Tracy City, Tennessee, pulling 268 votes to Brock’s 85. This in spite of the fact that Geary died a few weeks before the election. Brock says she thought she’d done a good job but figures voters wanted “a return to the past.” She expects the trend to continue, predicting that during the next presidential election the townspeople will overwhelmingly vote for Warren G. Harding.

Move over Nehru. According to Rodong Sinmun, North Korea’s communist-party newspaper, leader Kim Jong-il is a “global fashion trend,” thanks to his ever-present zippered jacket, matching pants, and sunglasses. The newspaper quotes an unnamed French fashion expert as saying the look is “spreading expeditiously worldwide, is something unprecedented in the world’s history.” Armani, Calvin Klein, and Ray-Ban are certain to show expensive versions next season, to be followed by a flood of cheap Chinese knock-offs of a Korean fashion faux pas.

In a bi-partisan religious first, an Iranian religious leader has channeled Pat Robertson, declaring that earthquakes aren’t, in fact, caused by shifting tectonic plates, but rather by women dressing immodestly and being promiscuous. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi went on to say that adultery causes floods, premarital sex causes hurricanes, and masturbation causes tornadoes but they’re worth it.

In going through their records, the New York Society Library discovered that on October 5, 1789 George Washington checked out two books, an essay on international affairs called Law of Nations and the twelfth volume of a collection of debates from the English House of Commons. Washington, who was president at the time, never returned the books. Probably too busy taking care of that new cherry tree his Dad had to plant. The library has calculated the fine to be about $300,000 but, according to the head librarian, “We’re not actively pursuing the overdue fines.” Yeah, it might be a little late for that.

Samsung’s new 3-D televisions come with a health warning that pregnant women, the elderly, people under the influence of alcohol, those with serious medical conditions and the sleep-deprived “should avoid utilizing the unit’s 3-D functionality.” Apparently in some cases it can cause an epileptic seizure or stroke. The warning goes on to say that children and teenagers “should be closely supervised when viewing these images” because they’re more likely to experience side effects like dizziness and disorientation. Sounds like a reason they’ll want to watch, which really isn’t so bad. After all, it’s safer than huffing or doubling up on Adderall and at least the kids are home and you know where they are.

A new study finds that, contrary to their propensity to say or show anything online, young people really do care about online privacy as much as older Americans. What neither group cares about is studies like this.

The Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano, observed the 40th anniversary of the Beatles’ breakup by making nice with the band and forgiving their trespasses, including John Lennon’s famous tongue-in-cheek claim that the band was more popular than Jesus. The newspaper went on to say that while in their day the Beatles had a lock on the young female fans, young boys were more prone to look up at the priests. Uh, look up to the priests.

If you’re a Marilyn Monroe fan you won’t want to miss the Hollywood Legends auction at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas in June, where you’ll be able to bid on a chest X-ray taken when the star was undergoing treatment for endometriosis at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Keep in mind though, that for the $1,200 they think it will bring in, X-rays look through the skin.

In related news, a magazine has hit the newsstands that lets blind and visually impaired people finally get that Playboy thrill. Tactile Minds features braille text along with raised pictures of naked men and women you can run your fingers over. With luck, issue number two will include a 3-D version of Marilyn’s chest X-rays.

When a 44-year-old Swedish man called a church suicide hotline at 2 a.m. Friday morning, the phone was answered by a pastor who listened to the man’s problems. Or so the caller thought. He could hear breathing on the other end and figured the pastor was busy taking notes. Actually, he fell asleep. The good news is he woke up. The bad news is he fell asleep again while the man was talking. The man hung up, called back, waited on hold for 10 minutes, then gave up. The call, anyway. Regaining the will to live so he could report the paster the next day, the man complained to the church which is looking into it. Hopefully the investigators won’t fall asleep.

First Spirit Airlines announced that they’re going to start charging up to $45 for carry-on bags that go in the overhead bins. Now Ryanair says they’re considering putting pay toilets on flights under an hour. How much do you think it’s going to wind up costing if you take your carry-on bag into the toilet instead of stowing it under the seat you paid extra for so you can sit during the flight?

Two women were arrested at John Lennon airport in Liverpool while trying to take a 91-year-old man wearing sunglasses on an airplane bound for Germany because, well, he was dead. Hey, at least he wasn’t the pilot.

Winter’s almost over here in the U.S., and iPhone users are rejoicing since they don’t have to have frozen fingers when they use their phone in cold weather. See, you can’t use an iPhone (or new iPad) while wearing gloves, and the Apple warranty doesn’t cover chilblains or frostbite. But take heed for next year and stock up on Maxbong sausages from South Korea. It turns out the meat sticks make a great stylus for the iPhone because they work with the capacitive touchscreen. Before you run out to 7-11 though, be warned that Slim Jims, Hickory Farms summer sausage, and Hebrew National Salamis don’t work, so for now, at least, you’ll need to order the genuine Maxbong from Case Crown for only 99 cents each.

The Federal Aviation Administration has changed its longstanding policy against pilots taking antidepressants. They say they’d rather have them flying while on Prozac than taking them on the sly or not being treated at all.

“This is your pilot, Captain Eeyore, speaking. I’ve just taken my Prozac so we will be cruising at a higher altitude. Please stay in your seat with your seatbelts fastened and enjoy the ride. I know I will.”

Ten years ago Sholam Weiss was convicted of stealing $125 million from customers of the National Heritage Life Insurance Co. and sentenced to 845 years in prison, a record for a white-collar crime. He’s appealing it in hopes of having the sentence reduced. What, the idea of being able to get out in 674 years for good behavior isn’t enough?

A pit bull in Chattanooga has been sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes after attacking a police car. The dog, which managed to rip off part of the front bumper cover and damage the tires, will also have to wear a tag that says he is “potentially dangerous.” Hopefully his owners will too.
 
 
 
 
 

Have you ever wondered, “Why do I still have ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ as my ringtone? Can’t I have something that will actually do me some good?” Well, your wish has come true. The Japan Ringing Tone Laboratory has released a series of what they call therapeutic ringtones that have become popular in Japan. Among the 27 ringtones are ones that ease stress, improve memory, cure insomnia, lessen a hangover, help you lose weight, quit smoking, ease hay fever symptoms by dislodging pollen if you hold the handset up to your nose, increase a woman’s breast size, and even one to frighten away a threatening crow. All they need now is one to make sure you don’t stop and wonder why a short ringtone you hear every once in a while could actually do any of those things.

A survey by Durex found that almost 30% of Britons would have sex with anyone who paid them £1million. When told of the results, the other 70% said they planned to buy lottery tickets more often.

The Sun has given us a modern answer to the old joke, “Can you catch STDs from a toilet seat?” They published a story yesterday quoting the director of Public Health for NHS in Tees, England, as saying Facebook and other social networking sites are to blame for an increase in syphilis in the area because the sites make it easier for people to meet up for casual sex. That’s ridiculous. Facebook may be responsible for a lot of bad spelling, the decline of punctuation and capitalization, bad acronyms like TMI, TMI, and lots of bad quizzes no one should ever take, but a rise in syphilis? Of course it depends on what you’re doing while you’re on Facebook…

Scientists have had a difficult time investigating how octopuses interact with their surroundings since the creatures have sophisticated eyesight and can tell when something is just a reflection in a mirror or a video of fish swimming around. Now, however, researchers from the Sydney Institute of Marine Science have discovered that octopuses are fooled by HDTV and will watch and believe what they see there. Heck, they even think Meet the Kardashians is real. Next up, Avatar in 3D. That’ll really confuse them.

A study published in the International Journal of Obesity found that food portions portrayed in paintings of The Last Supper created between the years 1000 to 2000 became increasingly supersized, with main courses not only increasing in size by a whopping 69%, but going from the bread and wine mentioned in the Gospels to include such dishes as fish, lamb, pork, and eel. The most recent painting analyzed, which was painted last June in Milwaukee, showed portions large enough to pack more calories than Jesus ate in his life and included a Fun Meal with a Pixie Hollow “Turn Water Into Wine” trick.